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It was 7 pm on the dot as I logged into Zoom. The three of us were now connected. My heart was racing at 100 miles an hour and as I gulped one more time, I turned on the Zoom volume and video. Pastor John did so as well, while Sally kept hers off and so we were staring at a still picture. Pastor John opened us up in prayer and then since I had requested that mediation I initiated the conversation.
“First, I want to thank you both for accepting to meet through Zoom this evening. I requested to have this mediation because last time we talked Sally, I felt that the communication had broken down and we were unable to hear each other. I want to let you know how deeply sorry I am for having hurt you. A few days ago, I (…) and I am very sorry that my action offended you. I was wrong for (…) and I ask your forgiveness. Sally, can you forgive for (…)?
My apology that evening was sincere and I was grateful that we could have that time for me to share my perspective of the event that took place a few days prior and she did the same. Sally accepted my apology and extended forgiveness and after having received her forgiveness, I felt restored and free from that heavy burden of guilt and condemnation I had felt between the time we had last seen each other. However, after having extended forgiveness, she said: “Well, don’t expect me to apologize or ask you to forgive me for anything because I do not believe I need to apologize for anything.” Those words sounded like the words of someone who had experienced a lot of pain in life before. I felt there was so much more that needed to be brought to the surface. This is when Pastor John spoke up … and the mediation continued.
Oh how I dream of a perfect world where there is no offense, no broken expectations, no broken hearts and no disappointments. There is such a place, it is called heaven—a place where all sorrow vanishes and every tear is wiped away. The reality, however, is that we are still on earth where pain and brokenness are not uncommon. Until we meet our Savior face to face in heaven—the place of perfect bliss and peace—we are urged in Romans 12:18 to make every effort, to live at peace with everyone, as far as it depends on us. The task is not easy and in fact, it is very hard to apologize when you believe you did not do anything wrong and the Holy Spirit leads you to ask for forgiveness because the party is offended (Matthew 5:23-24). Then, it’s even harder when you have been deeply hurt and you expect the person to come to you and apologize, but they don’t and the Holy Spirit strongly convicts you through Matthew 18:15-17 that you have to go to your brother or sister and tell them how much they have hurt you. In either circumstance, God calls us to be peacemakers, reconcilers who live at peace with everyone. So, despite people’s behaviors, as long as there is breath in my lungs, I will continue to obey and honor God by following His Word and pursuing peace at all cost.
What do you usually do to cultivate peace with people in your life?
I am able to cultivate peace with people in my life because I usually do the following:
1. I remember I am just like them. I make mistakes just like them. The Holy Spirit usually convicts me that just as people fall and make mistakes, I too fall and make mistakes and yet God forgives me; so, just as God forgives me my shortcomings, I need to extend forgiveness so I can experience horizontal and vertical peace.
2. I feel compassionate toward hurt people. Hurt people hurt people. If I keep reminding myself that people are not perfect and that they will disappoint me because they are human, then I can see them through God’s eyes. Sometimes, hurt people do not know how to manage their own emotions and they lash out on others. If I empathize with someone it is easier to be gracious toward them. One thing we must understand, however, is that empathy does not mean condoning their abusive behavior. Empathy means we understand where they are coming from and because we love them when we approach them to address the issues at end, we need to approach them with a spirit of love, gentleness and kindness.
3. I usually make the first step to apologize and ask for forgiveness. The moment I am convicted by The Holy Spirit of what I should do, I make the first step to apologize and ask for forgiveness. I do this swiftly because I do not want to grieve The Holy Spirit. I want to obey and do what He tells me quickly so I can maintain inner peace. If I am the one offended, I also usually take the first step in asking if I can speak to that person to share something and then I share how they have offended me. [If they don’t want to hear me out, I let it go and wait for another occasion to approach them again. For those who categorically refuse to hear me out (which is very rare, I can only think of 1 person who refused to speak to me and this was nearly 28 years ago), then, I move on with my life and my peace returns to me because I have done all I could and God does not hold me responsible for their response].